For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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