So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
