people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
