I met the friendliest cop last night
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
