I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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