I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize