We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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