i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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