She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
