you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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