i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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