yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
