I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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