Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
