got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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