dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
