U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
