I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
