so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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