you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
