I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
