my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
