they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
