I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i already hear my dad disowning me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
