I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize