I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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