The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How external is "for external use only"?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
