Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
