You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize