Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
