dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
