That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
