Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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