shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
