Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
