I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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