when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
