Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
