i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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