i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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