If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
