You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize