how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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