We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I cut my penus on the lid.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
