okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sobbing to NWA
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize