I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
