i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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