When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
