my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
