I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
