I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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