My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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