You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
