Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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