He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
