When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
