why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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