Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
