I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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