So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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