I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize