i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
