is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
