i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
