fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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