Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
