So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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